Sex, Marriage , Cheating and Lesbianism

Hi People,

I hope you are all safe and are avoiding SARS by all means possible. It seems our government has failed us and young people must take back their mandate come 2023.

Unfortunately, the whole continent of Africa seems to be battling one social issue or the other. Anyway, let's dive into today's topic which is about infidelity in marriage. 

The truth is life happens, its nearly impossible for a married couple who've been together for five or six years not to take themselves for granted.

A key problem is being sexually incompatible, it has ruined many relationships. It is not about money or being emotionally connected to another person because you can marry your friend but he/she might not be on the same level with you sexually, emotionally, mentally or financially.

You might not be very considerate as a sexual partner and if your partner is very sexually aware of himself/herself then your mutual love for each other might not be enough to hold that relationship together. 

For instance, as a single parent, I have been propositioned by all types of people (male & female).  I am also pretty old school and very careful about who I listen to or let into my space. 
Many married folks approach me for relationships and start making excuses for their behaviour. They claim their wives are stiff, cold and forget that I was once somebody's wife. 

However, I know that there's no smoke without fire. I get told that I am impatient and unfeeling because I ask the hard questions like:
What did you do to him/her? 
When did this start? 
When last did you give him/her an orgasm? 
Thankfully, I've been able to counsel a few people to take their marriages a little more seriously as a result. 

Wherever you want a relationship to end is where that relationship must start from because it determines how you treat the person.

For example, if your relationship is primarily of a sexual nature. Do not expect the same person to be your emotional or psychological pillow. Always be clear about it to avoid ambiguities and hard feelings for unrequited affections.

The reason that lesbianism is on the high-rise especially, for married women is that they get more appreciation and sexual gratification from those relationships than in their marriages. You have sexual relations with your wife, rub one breast put it in and bam you are done.  

Then add the fact that she might be stressed out, hustling and trying to support her man's dreams while being unappreciated by the same person. 

I don't understand why men get upset when they realise their wives have female sexual partners. 

My understanding is that these orgasms or explosive and they feel better about themselves.  Therefore, I believe that a couple must focus on each other's needs. It is imperative for the sustainability of that relationship. 

This generation of women who are under 30 are not their mothers they are not patient and they don't have time for b******t. If you cannot keep up or sustain whatever reason that they got with you in the first place then apologies in advance.
In Nigeria,  infidelity from men is condoned and forbidden for women. Ignoring the fact that both men and women have sexual needs, it also hits harder when a woman cheats. To avoid stories that touch, intending  couples need to discuss everything that could possibly go wrong at the beginning of the relationship. 

Draw the line on friendships with the opposite if its an issue, discuss plans for the children, money and EVERYTHING that can cause you pain.

In conclusion, please don't cheat, pray about your issues and seek proper counselling. If the itch is that bad please discuss an open relationship or polyamory. 

This space is a no judgement zone, feel free to send me an email if you want to tell your story, let's help others learn from our mistakes email yikesimasinglemum@gmail.com 

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Are widowed or divorced mothers in Nigeria allowed to remarry ?

Remarriage for Women

In Nigeria, widowhood and widower-hood are not the same things. A woman has to wait a year after her spouse is dead before her mourning period can end. Her family will tell her to focus on raising her kids and not encourage remarriage.

A man has to spend eight days indoors, then let 40 days pass and he can do whatever he pleases with the opposite sex

(Culture & Tradition experts should please correct me in case this information is false).

When a man loses his wife, he's required to mourn for the approved period and get a helper. This is a woman or young girl who will cook, clean and take care of sexual needs if necessary.

In some cases, his children might feel betrayed by their father. The will dislike or frustrate their father’s new helper.

Yesterday, a man trended on twitter for saying that his mother cannot remarry after his father dies and if she does, she cannot inherit his property.

           

“She is certainly not going to retain my dad's home if she does. All my dad's legacies could be compromised as a result. It threatens the unity of the family, diversifies & divides her motherly attention. The man could by an emotional infatuation, cause her to derail” 

I don’t understand why she needs his permission to find love or companionship after his death. I find the son's assumption that she did not invest in the acquisition of any of the property ludicrous. 

When are we going to start letting boys known from childhood that their mothers’ body or assets isn't theirs to own or watch?

Some men need to have honest conversations about their internalized/often unconscious hatred for women and the happiness of women

A man can maltreat his wife, abandon his children, return after he's less confused, warm up to his children who might accept him as “the worlds best dad”.

The children will expect their mother to accept him, otherwise, she’s a villain. Forgetting that the interactions between a wife and child are different.

This is the reason why one should not raise entitled children.

As a mother or single parent, you cannot let your children have the authority of over you. They aren’t your spouse or partner; children can be very manipulative and will take advantage of any opportunity given. 

A friend of mine says if you turn tour child to your husband , he/she will turn you into animal husbandry :) 

You let your widowed or divorced brothers and uncles date then tell your 45-year-old aunt to face her children. Does she not have sexual needs?

For single ladies, do not let married folks fool you; if you are not ready, give yourself time. Like Falz says  #don'trush.

Religious people will use celibacy as a yardstick to reduce ‘sexual immorality’ but what’s the point of having sex if you can't  get an orgasm. It’s a waste of energy on the woman’s part.  

In conclusion, life is already difficult, please do not make it harder for another person (especially your mother), if you can help relieve stress, kindly be my guest.

If you missed any of the previous posts click here

This space is a no judgement zone, feel free to send me an email if you want to tell your story, let's help others learn from our mistakes email yikesimasinglemum@gmail.com. 

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The plan at the end of the day is to render assistance where necessary. Encourage me, by dropping a comment. 
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Will Nigerian women ever be safe?

The unwarranted rape and death of Uwaila Omozuwa has my underwear in twists .


I don't know five women in my age bracket (I'm in my late 30's) who wasn't harassed, molested, stalked, victimized or raped. Its either one or the other, let us not add the madness that goes in many offices, it's worse than sex for grades.


An 11-year-old was raped by 12 men in Jigawa state last week and none of their heads is on a spike. Three days ago, a 22-year-old undergraduate went to read in a church, she was beaten and gang-raped in broad daylight in the Ikpoba Hill area of Edo State.


#justiceforuwa trended on Twitter yesterday and its clear that women are in danger from uncouth men and sexual predators.

A while ago, a certain former governor of a western state allowed policemen to harass women because they were " indecently dressed". Allowing riff-raff policemen to open their breasts and suck them in public. Let's not forget the senator who slapped a sales attendant in a sex shop, the examples are innumerable.

A part of the Nigerian marriage Act states that a Married woman cannot refuse her husband sex at any given time. As a Nigerian woman, if you marry a non-Nigerian, he's not eligible for Nigerian citizenship.

I think women need to protect themselves, buy pepper spra, a stun gun or anything that you can use in self defense. Also, as parents we need to raise our SONS better and hold them accountable for their actions.

BABY DADDY ANNOUNCEMENT

For some reason, I've been a little sad this holiday season. I've spent a lot of time counting my mistakes and my lessons from 2019.

Typically folks would say "Count your Blessings" and " It could have been worse" or "look on the bright side". These are all valid statements but truth be told when your accounts don't balance and bills are more than your income its a little difficult to be happy, especially if you have expensive tastes 😜.

Anyways, I've done my holiday shopping and I can happily announce that my baby's dripping swag at 200%. 

Funny story, my ex-husband told my father he wanted me to "SUFFER" and also told most of my friends he could communicate with that I Fati do not know anything and will see (Snapping his fingers like an old woman) ignoring the fact that there's a child between us all grievances should be set aside at least for the benefit of the child.

Please, people if I suffer doesn't it mean the child will suffer as well, therefore I'm happy to announce that we aren't missing any meals, the child is in school (yes I'm paying it) and the #dettydecember has begun. 

I intend to be sipping mojitos and chasing the little one around.

To be Continued.

If you missed any of the previous posts click here 

This space is a no judgement zone, feel free to send me an email if you want to tell your story, let's help others learn from our mistakes email yikesimasinglemum@gmail.com 

The plan at the end of the day is to render assistance where necessary. Encourage me, by dropping a comment. Please #Share and #Rebroadcast

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XXX

The Average Nigerian Woman and Depression

There common Nigerian saying "What Will People Say" #WWPS has almost gotten some people killed.

I remember an argument I had with my Ex-Husband before my wedding and I really knew I should have called the whole thing off. I was counselled at the time and #WWPS came up so many times I gave in after considering expenses, parents feelings and the "embarrassment" at the time.

Let's just say I have paid the price and have a right to be sad about my mistakes. People keep telling me to get over it as if I can just lock up my thoughts in a box and throw it away. 

Do you people want to kill me?

Wait I have a right to be sad, is it your depression or sadness? (leave me alone)

Some days all I want is a hug, to be held and to feel sheltered and loved but sadly there's no love for now so I continue my sojourn, alone, sad but strong enough to move forward.

To be Continued.

If you missed any of the previous posts click here 

This space is a no judgement zone, feel free to send me an email if you want to tell your story, let's help others learn from our mistakes email yikesimasinglemum@gmail.com 

The plan at the end of the day is to render assistance where necessary. Encourage me, by dropping a comment. Please #Share and #Rebroadcast

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Next Post hits on Friday 

5 reasons why Isolation does not help you heal from a broken relatioship

Some say after a breakup it's wise to take time, process the hurt, remember how & why you got to that position and a whole lot of other great stuff. There’s nothing wrong with solitary, or self-care time.

However, the problem with this process is that you start to enjoy being ALONE a little too much.

The unimaginable joy that comes with peace and quiet, especially after a traumatic experience is explainable. But the question is what happens when it becomes too quiet.

I was advised to stop hiding and licking wounds that should have healed and based on this argument and some research here are 5 reasons why isolation isn't good for healing:

1. Isolation feeds Anger.

When you overly reflect on negative things, it feeds anger and bitterness. In a short while like me you do the following:

• Start to cut people off at the slightest hint of being flawed,
• Do not give new people a chance due to your past experiences and lastly
• You use blanket statements like “All men and women are the same”.

I understand the need to be angry, righteous anger or indignation is good after all you've been wronged and hurt. You deserve your pound of flesh, however, all of the above is not productive. 

I'm still learning how to evaluate situations analytically and in some instances, I discuss with open-minded people to determine how best to handle being hurt or disappointed. against brooding myself to a frenzy and feeding my anger and in some cases self-righteousness. 

I would time soliloquizing arguments instead of looking for productive things to do with my time because I've internalized my trauma and dealt with it isolation.

2. Isolation feeds Stress.

The downside of living independently is we often become overwhelmed by stress, depression and unhappiness.

Stressed, depressed and unhappy is not a state you can heal and it’s not a location your next partner or love can find you. He or she won't be able to connect with you. These feelings of being overwhelmed come from a place of lack of connection and mutual support.

Also, in some cases, no amount of “self-care” or “therapy” can fill your disconnect and this affects one's mental health.

3. It makes you forget people.

Whether you like it or not human beings were not built to be alone. We dedicate years to hustling, making power moves, looking after kids and forget that there has to be a balance. God loves us all however, we need to cultivate true, deep, connected relationships with other adults. 

We don’t seem to realize that to heal beyond certain traumas, stresses, or mental health issues, we actually need others in a way that promotes connection, and not further isolation.

For many of us, most of our wounding is actually caused by stresses and traumas that we internalized because they occurred, and we responded to them, while in isolation.

4. It feeds Trauma 

The more alone time you have, the more you feed the pain and hurt. I once went to a party and it felt like I was in a strange place because I didn't connect to anyone or anything. I had no clue how to even be social anymore. Trauma feeds isolation and negative energy, it makes you feel like your tale of woes are beyond comparison.

5. You're feeling Stuck

Isolation sometimes stifles creativity and many times you cannot see or think clearly while traumatized. Next time you realize you feel desperately stressed, unhappy, and as though you are stuck, consider the cause of your being stuck might actually be isolation.

In essence, we heal the wound through the same contexts it was formed. If we formed the trauma through relational isolation, we must heal the trauma through relationship connection...

This space is a no judgement zone, feel free to send me an email if you want to tell your story, let's help others learn from our mistakes email yikesimasinglemum@gmail.com.

The plan at the end of the day is to render assistance where necessary. Encourage me, by dropping a comment. Please #Share and #Rebroadcast

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Have a great weekend and see you next Wednesday. 

Ciao

Help me I've let the devil in my house (House Maid Drama)

Hi People,

I want to thank everyone who's take time to read this blog and comment, here on  Twitter, Instagram and on our Facebook page. Even though you don't comment I see you all and appreciate it.  Follow us via the links above for more updates.


After ignoring my mother in laws drama, I had to plan and structure my life, like all good and fun things my maternity leave was over. I had to resume work and I wasn't ready to spend money on creche.


Ladies and gentlemen, I had to get a maid and was scared shitless, I interviewed about 7 maids, settled on a 22-year-old who had worked with children before but after routine medical tests, it was discovered she had Hepatitis B, Syphilis and Tuberculosis.  I happily sent her away, the risks were too high, I welcomed Ono to my home. She was 20, a prayer band member of the Mountain of fire and Ministries Church, all round tongue speaking, natural hair (thread or Kiko carrying) Christian.


I would drop her and my baby off in the morning with my aunt and pick them on my way back. I really couldn't afford creche because my bills were piling and the fear of milk and diapers was the beginning of wisdom for me. I had to be wise and frugal with my expenses (we will have a post on being broke, drained and poor as a single parent)


Ono was an all-round hard worker, she particularly didn't like my aunt but who cares right. She came to me with an android phone that she always had in her hands any spare 5 minutes she had. I would find my baby crying and Ono would hurriedly hide her phone, pick up the baby when I walked into the room. I wasn't too upset because, if anything the girl was loyal. My aunt was a nosy person and kept prompting and promising her all sorts to know anything that happened in my house. This woman wanted to know who I was talking to, what I was eating if I was pooping a lot of things that generally weren't her business.


She spent approximately a month with me and one day mistakenly gave my child three times her dose of Vitamins and washed my baby's bottles with Dettol instead of sterilizing fluid. I was livid but still kept her until  one evening I picked up her phone ( call me a snoop I don't care) and saw her messages to her boyfriend (Born Again things), complaining about him not loving her  enough, how she missed him, she needed money and attention (apparently the chap was in Indonesia) plus she had quite the temper and my gossip of an  aunt would not let me rest with her complaints about the girl so I let her go.


After Ono I had 3 other maids, then there was Zainab 24-year-old tailor who needed some money to help her business. My baby loved her, unfortunately Zainab was a snitch, she would give my aunt the low down daily, who came and went, how many times my daughter pooped, how many bottles of wine I and my friends drank, how much sleep I got at night, when I woke up to pray, how she found my dildo etc.


I noticed, my aunt had gotten a little more rude and snobbish to me, I didn't think much about it until I was accused of giving my child alcohol to drink which was impossible.  Zainab denied it, my aunt was the only relative I had in town so if she decided not to help I was grade A screwed. Eventually, I set a trap for Zainab, she messed up and it was adios amigo.


I'm working towards doing a post on depression, drugs and alcohol especially when one is grieving past mistakes and life in general. It's hard not to get hooked on the bad stuff but I've learnt that the devil will use your situation to make your life more miserable if you let him ( This is a discussion for another day)

Eventually, I got a maid I put the fear of God in her, saved money for creche and that ended my aunt's nosy career. So, word had gotten out about my situation and friends, enemies came in their droves. I was the topic of discussion at many gatherings, we lived in a small town so the gossip was juicy everywhere I turned whispers followed and then like thief in the night Depression set in and became a landlord of my life.

To be Continued.

If you missed any of the previous posts click here 

This space is a no judgement zone , feel free to send me an email if you want to tell you story, lets help others learn from our mistakes email yikesimasinglemum@gmail.com

The plan at the end of day is render assistance where necessary. Encourage me, by dropping a comment.  Please #Share and #Rebroadcast

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Oh, the joy of having a good Mother In Law

Let me tell you about my ex-husband's mother, she was raised a Muslim but later became a Christian.  At age 55 she was the best marriage/life counsellor in our church, by the time she clocked 70 she was that elder you could run to for anything. A mother of 4 children, an astute businesswoman and all around correct person or so I thought.


One would assume that marrying her last born son would be a breeze, I learnt to share very quickly and quietly for my own peace of mind. She did ask me if I knew what I was doing before I married her son and it seemed strange at the time, much later her reason became clear.


Unfortunately for me, our houses were 20 minutes apart, he would have lunch at hers then come home for dinner 3 to 4 times in a week whilst I saw her on Sunday's and my own parents once a month or every other month. Her initial plan was that I move into her house but since I disagreed I became the outcast.

Let's go to my previous post, why was this woman calling me 5 weeks after I had returned from Canada. Her son had moved out from the house, he refused to assist financially, he had gone to cast report me to my parents and generally said all sorts of disrespectful things to my father.  Now bear in mind I had never called his mother on any occasion to report her son. I might not have been the best wife but I knew how to keep my mouth shut.


I had been called a slut, a wastrel and a destiny destroyer because I agreed to marry her son, I picked up the phone and greeted her.  Hauwa, what is going on between you and my son? He says you do not want the marriage again?  Why are you so selfish? Why have you not brought my granddaughter to see me?


I let her rant, whilst she spoke I retorted to myself (before I hear in town that I've insulted somebody's ancestors) Is your son a man, financially he cannot provide, the sex was crap (without either party being drunk or high on something), emotional support zero all he did was make demands. Of course, I don't want the marriage again, you decided you were going to church and I brought your granddaughter to your house in pains because my cesarean scars hadn't healed and I wasn't meant to drive any distance. Ma, I got to your house at 6 am you had gone to church (or Shrine in my mind #scoffs) and your son was not home as well.


I let her speak English she wanted to speak and as usual, she demanded I come to her house. Two days before I went to her house, she asked me to come and that particular morning all the cars in the house refused to start. I even tried to borrow my neighbours' car, it didn't start. I finally got a car and 10 minutes out the break failed, then it started to rain. Now imagine me with a 3-month-old, my maid on the road, it wasn't a funny experience.

Here's one thing about me, I'm a little ignorant about signs so I called a friend who asked me if I was stupid, spoke to my mother she out-rightly demanded  I go back home.  Trust Nigerian mothers, she went on about spiritual traps and all whatnots. So I went back to my house, after-all na me pay rent :)


I was told to do spiritual cleansing so I went to an MFM church for a 3-day prayer and fasting program. The pastor said there are evil eyes monitoring my destiny and a few other things I'm not comfortable sharing.


I'm feeling a little drained and having trouble processing my thoughts, so I'm going to stop here.

I hope you all read Shalom's cautionary tale. If you missed it Click Here

This space is a no judgement zone , feel free to send me an email if you want to tell you story, lets help others learn from our mistakes email yikesimasinglemum@gmail.com


The plan at the end of day is render assistance where necessary. Encourage me, by dropping a comment.  Please #Share and #Rebroadcast

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Have a great weekend and see you next Wednesday. 

Ciao

💋💋💋

He Deceived Me

  

Ladies and Gentlemen,

There's a lesson and a blessing attached to every situation. 

Here's Shalom's journey to being a #soloparent

Good day, my name is Shalom I saw your post and I thought I could also share mine to encourage young ladies out there not to make the same mistake I made here's my story I got admission into one of the Nigerian universities I was so excited at least I am now an undergraduate.

 Fast forward I decided to join one of the campus fellowships in school and that was when my journey to single motherhood began I was a naïve little girl of 18 who knew nothing other than going to class and coming back to my hostel one of the days I decided to go for Sunday fellowship as usual and that was how I met him .

He was on the pulpit giving his testimony of how God has been so good and merciful to him ooh he sang worshiped God and I felt the holy spirit moved or so I thought after two days we met in one of the school canteens and he was like can I pay for your lunch and I was like thank you with a big 😁 grin on my small tiny face. 

And that was from that little discussion I became known on campus as bishop's girl everyone knew us then my friends would talk, cry, and warn. My fellowship members would also bombard me with calls but when I was in love he took me to so many places. My parents got to find out about us and my mum would call and beg me to stay focused I was the envy of other ladies lest I forget I was a virgin 😃.

Fast forward to when I became pregnant that was when it dawned on me that I had been deceived all along when he heard it he told me to keep it. He then he introduced me to his mum the mum said ok keep her but you know mbsaie people are bad it's a place from the eastern part of Nigeria called Imo state.

 I tried my best to be good to cut the long story short I was maltreated the young man would beat me up with pregnancy the mother would call me names I had to go back to the north to give birth to my twins through cs operation a boy and girl. He came back begging that he's a changed man my parents said no I decided to follow him to his base in Port Harcourt there the worst of my night mares began. 

In fact I can't say everything but the thing is it was a huge fight getting my twins from them ever since I left with them.

 It hasn't been easy been a single mum trying to fend for them alone without any help from the young man or his parents I thank God for my mum she has been supportive though I didn't let that affect my school I graduated with my mates.

Now I am not only a graduate but also a banker working with one of the financial banks in Nigeria I hope others learn from my mistakes not all that glitters are gold thanks for giving me the opportunity to write to you. 

Thanks Shalom, we love you, please say thanks to your mum for us, she's the realist OG.

To be continued
If you missed my initial post  click here
This space is a no judgement zone , feel free to send me an email if you want to tell you story, lets help others learn from our mistakes email yikesimasinglemum@gmail.com

The plan at the end of day is  to render assistance where necessary. Encourage me, by dropping a comment.  Please Share and Rebroadcast
Follow us on Twitter, Instagram and like our Facebook page.

Don't miss any posts, Subscribe to our mailing list.
Next post comes on Friday 
Ciao

💋💋💋